Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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