a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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