I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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