I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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