why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
