I understand Curling. That high.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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