You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
