im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
