I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
