I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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