mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
