just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
