I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I need a beard to bite.
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