My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
