My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.