you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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