if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
