The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
