Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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