apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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