You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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