seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
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I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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