He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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