drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
