btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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