chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
