You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
