I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
