I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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