That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
