I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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