Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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