final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
