so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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