Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
