He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
