I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
