I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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