I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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