I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I deserve this hangover.
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