i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
