Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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