if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
