just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
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i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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