if you like me you must not know who I am
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
