You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
