Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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