She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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