his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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