Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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