someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
