he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
